19 April 2020 – Sunday – #35

The US has boarded Covid Air flight 19 with Captain Trump in command. The only gauge in the cockpit is the only one he needs to get us where we’re all going. The Dow Jones Industrial Average. No need for fancy altimeters or air speed indicators. These babies practically fly themselves.

The regulators say we need altimeters and air speed indicators for safety. What do they know? Look out the window! Do you see anything wrong? No, of course not. Captain Trump is in charge. Sit back and relax while we prepare the cabin. Captain Trump has never made a mistake in his life and he’s not about to start now that he has your life in his hands.

Seating on this Covid Air flight is by class. If you’re a paid member of Captain Trump’s mile high club or a Republican senator, we’ve reserved the first 50 rows for you. The rest of our valued customers will find comfortable seating in the rear 50 rows. Except Senator Romney. Yes, you, Senator Romney. Senator Romney, you’ll have to move to the rear section. I think I see an empty seat next to the toilet in the back there.

Please remember to use the water fountains and bathrooms assigned to your class. For your safety and the safety of those around you, passengers in the front of the cabin can do pretty much as they please. For the safety of the crew, please try to create as much social distance as possible in the rear. Rear cabin passengers in middle rows should assist in distancing by lying down in the overhead compartments or squeezing under the seats in front of them. If someone expires in your row, please press the flight attendant call button and a crew member will be happy to assist you with a choice of complimentary body bags.

In order to run Covid Air as profitably as possible, there are no seat belts, oxygen masks, or ventilators. In case of turbulence, we suggest you take a short position until things smooth out. Should you experience a sudden loss of pressure, just do what Captain Trump does. Breathe a little faster, take a Viagra, and then assist other passengers by fondling their breasts.

Oh, well, it looks like we might have a small problem with one of the engines. Don’t worry about those flames. They’re probably fake, but that never bothers Captain Trump one bit. He takes these kinds of fake news things in stride. We’ll be in the air in no time. Just as soon as Captain Trump files our flight plan and ATC gives us the go ahead. Never seen things like this ever bother him. Never, really. After all, he alone can fix it. That’s why they made him captain. That, and he’s one of the smartest people. You wouldn’t believe how smart. Wait until we get off the ground. Then you’ll understand just how smart he is. Smart as a Fox.

On Flight 19, Captain Trump will take you wherever you want to go. Promises made, promises kept! Well, not the swamp. We don’t land at the swamp because it hasn’t been drained yet. And not China. We don’t trust China. When we arrive, everything will be great again. You’ll find things just the way they were when you left 40 years ago, maybe even better. Cars are huge and safe again. There are no Mexicans. Everyone is making money like never before. No one has even heard of a pre-existing condition. The only thing is CO2. There’s hardly any CO2. You’ll get over it.

It’s a little early to talk about arriving at our destination since we haven’t even got off the ground yet, but that’s how we like to roll here at Covid Air. I’m sure Captain Trump will have that flight plan filled out shortly.

As you exit the aircraft, Captain Trump will personally sign a check for you. Whatever your destination, he wants to make sure you have enough money to enjoy yourself for a few minutes. We know your journey is all about money, so everyone gets a check. Even the people in the front of the cabin, the ones who never pay for their flights, they get a check, too.

When you’re safely inside the terminal, please check the monitors to see where it’s safe. MAGA masks will be available at the gate. If we’ve arrived at your destination, we encourage you to join the second amendment protests in front of the arrivals area. If you’re off to liberate another destination, make yourself at home in one of our cozy family restaurants and ignore CNN reports of people dying on the TV monitors. Ignore them. Fake news.

I forgot to mention, I’m Kellyanne Conway, your purser on today’s flight. I’m glad to see so many returning customers today. I recognize some of you from Covid Air flight 18. And, hey, weren’t you on Covid Air flight 1? Anyway, please sit back and relax. I’ll say anything you want to hear to make your flight more comfortable.

%d bloggers like this: